So I'm back in Amherst. Its strange that I've lived here for 4 years and it still seems so foreign to me. I hadn't planned on staying in new york for so long but I'm happy I did. I didn't see so many people I wanted to though. Leaving made me think about a lot of things. Its interesting to see how much some of my friends have changed in such a little amount of time.

I've been pretty lonely here but I don't have much of a choice about living here. I'm hoping that once I start working and getting my lab work going that things will be easier. I love my apartment though and living with matt is awesome.

I feel really frustrated. I know what I want but time and space keep getting in the way. I need to move forward but can't figure out whats pulling me back.

I have always worried too much but I have been really worried lately. I cannot stop worrying about my father. Before I left home he helped me get my things in the car and said "We didn't spend any time together, we didn't even really speak to each other". As soon as he said that an immediate weight fell on me. Thinking and writing about it now makes me sick. I don't know this nice docile old man that is my father now. Although he is a huge improvement, he is a stranger to me. I don't know how to relate to him but am terrified that I am going to lose him soon.

On a happier note, I got to ride while I was home. For the first time in a while my mind stopped racing and I could really focus. I really wish I could afford to keep riding.

Law and order is blaring on the tv and matt is sitting next to me on his computer. I think he is putting music together on autocad- thinking about how passionate and excited he is about it makes me smile.

I saw muni do this so yeah. welcome bloggie.